Posts Tagged With: dreams

What Do Your Dreams Tell You?

Flickr user BurningMax (Creative Commons)

Flickr user BurningMax (Creative Commons)

I usually have very vivid dreams when I sleep… as long as I’m not stressed out πŸ˜‰ As the first day of school approaches, and my son gets ready to attend full-day kindergarten for the first time, a personal sense of something akin to peace is settling my well-being… and that means the dreams have returned.

More often than not the dreams I remember are good contenders for books or stories. This time, I think the new fantasy series I’m writing (The White Raven) is informing my dreams and maybe my mother being courted by a new beau too…

How do these two things relate?

Well, the dream centred around a difficult time I went through after changing schools as a pre-teen; but in the dream I never moved away from this new school. I went on to high school with the very people who made my life a living hell at that elementary school… but not all the kids were horrible to me.

There was this guy who was teased badly about his last name – Warner… The kids called him “Wiener”. That’s the only negative thing they ever said to/about the guy and I guess he was used to it because he never let it show that it bothered him.

It would have bothered me – and an even worse nickname did, eventually.

Well, in my dream some version of myself as a teen in this alternate reality ended up dating David Warner – the nice guy who was a bit of a geek but still cute in his own right πŸ˜‰ (kind of sounds like the guy I married!) And my subconscious took me through a lesson I wish I’d learned as a pre-teen – Ignore the bullies; don’t try to be a part of the ‘cool’ crowd; celebrate the ‘nice’ kids.

You see, I had been coerced by one of my supposed ‘cool’ friends to date another cool kid who “liked me”. Of course, I later found out that he was ‘curious’ about me and my past and really had no other interest in me beyond that. So, after sharing my ‘secrets’ with him (I was altogether too trusting and still am) he dumped me 3 months later and started to use those secrets against me.

Enter David Warner…

The day I was planning to do something rather stupid (because I could no longer handle the incessant bullying and negative teasing) he hung out with me over lunch break and, well, we had a great time. I completely forgot about those creeps who I thought were my friends and for 45 minutes I had a ‘normal’ lunch break with someone who treated me like a real friend.

Now, here’s how my new series and my mother fit in to this.

In my ‘what if’ alternate reality dream David and I hooked up in high school… me and the ‘good’ guy – not the ‘cool’ guy. While it’s true that in my real high school experience I did much the same thing, it struck me that my main character, Dray, had to learn how to deal with her own ‘difference’ in elementary and high school. And, like me, she tried desperately to fit in to the ‘cool’ crowd – but it never really worked out. She became a bit of a ‘nice rebel’ – lol!

You see, my mom also had a habit of dating the ‘wrong’ guys (at least from my perspective) and now, in her late 50s she’s finally met a ‘nice guy’ who treats her right… her own David Warner so to speak. And Dray, my character, tries her darndest not to fall for anyone, but finds herself inexplicably drawn to a ‘nice guy’ but is certain she’ll only mess things up with him too.

I tried to find David Warner online today. I googled his name, checked facebook and linkedin but honestly – I’m terrible when it comes to trying to find people like that.

Why was I trying to find him?

To thank him.

I don’t think I ever did.

… and, now I’m curious to see if my mental projection of what he looked liked in the future actually matches reality πŸ˜‰ Dreams are crazy that way πŸ˜‰ Still, it’s been over 20 years since I gave him more than a passing thought. I also have a great memory for people I shared classes with during my elementary days – whereas I seem to be fairly forgettable to them, lol!

What about you?

Have you ever had your dreams try work things out for you while you’re sleeping? What about trying to find someone from your childhood?

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Dealing with Personal Faults

It is not easy for most people to admit they are wrong. I am a strange one when it comes to this concept. If I know nothing or almost nothing about what is being debated, I will hear someone out and then make a logical decision based on fact and proof. If what is being debated is something I am familiar with or know well, I will push to make my point heard and argue until I’ve convinced the other person that my point of view is the right one.

In that way, I’m a bit of a control freak.

at faultI have imbued my main character, Taya, with this trait in an attempt to view how I must be perceived by others – those who know me and expect this and those who don’t. She comes across as being kind of bitchy. At the same time, she convinces herself of the necessity of this trait in a world that tends to see her as “less than” the woman she is. She has had to fight tooth and nail to prove to the world that she matters and yet, the world is unable to see past her youthful exterior.

This was echoed in my own life when I moved in with my father at the age of 16. I didn’t know it at the time, but nothing I could have done would have pleased him, unless it was to treat his word as gospel and give up my independence. From the age of 6 I wanted to be a teacher (and the age of 9 an author). It stood to reason that I could write in the summer months and work during the school year. Just as I was filling out college application forms my father says to me, “Don’t expect me to pay for you to go to school to become a teacher. Find another profession.” My mother had no money to be able to help me, and I had saved very little working at a cafe that year. No self-respecting college was going to help me with a loan because my father made too much money (he was still a middle-income earner but in the upper bracket).

The only other thing I was interested in was writing. So I decided to try Broadcasting Journalism. Let’s just say that I found out fast that I could pass most of my classes with a mark in the low 80s with minimal effort, but I hated current events. I felt like a fraud surrounded by other students (my friends) who were desperate to have a career in Journalism and I was just going through the motions. This was not the right career for me.

My father’s response when I told him I wasn’t going to finish my diploma but go to university for teaching instead?

“You never finish anything you start.”

Then it dawned on me. He never attended any of my track meets in high school, he never supported my interest in archery (and I got a silver medal at a local competition), the only time he ever attended a theatrical production I was in was when I played a bit part in a musical in my final year (and he wondered why he even bothered coming)… are you seeing the pattern? I was. He knew nothing about me and yet he somehow got it in his head that I never finished anything I started.

When he looked at me, he saw my mother (not because I look like her, I actually have more of his features). I believe it had something to do with my mannerisms and my optimism because that’s where our similarities end. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother fiercely but the only role-model she played in my life was the “I’m never going to be like her” one. She never finished high school, she dated questionable men, she was a roamer, she wasn’t good with money… I learned how to live my life by being observant of her faults. One thing I could never fault her for though, was believing in me.

And that’s what my character, Taya, needed – someone to believe in her. For her it was an older-sister type character she met while working a job, but that kind of undeniable support does incredible thing for the spirit. No matter Taya’s need to be in control, her bitchy attitude, or the walls she’d built around her heart – someone finally understood her.

Don’t we all need that? Just one person to look past our faults and simply believe?

This I know and know well, and it is this driving force that I endowed Taya with to find out how both she, and I, might survive when that support disappears leaving us stranded.

Have you been there – when you’ve felt absolutely alone and yet you were supposedly surrounded by people who loved you?

Categories: Musings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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